All or Nothing
by Elise May
Summary: The problem is when you end up with nothing.


_I'm really sorry..._

* * *

 **All Or Nothing**

* * *

Her head hasn't felt this heavy in such a long time and her tongue sticks to the roof of her mouth in the most uncomfortable way. She can't bear to open her eyes, can't bear to look into his and have him realise, have him see and know what it is she has done. What she told him she would never do again. Promised, even.

"Nick." Her voice is so hoarse and she reaches for the warmth of his body beside her own, only to be met with empty space. A hard mattress beneath her limp hand that does not feel at all familiar to her.

Her eyes open with a start.

The room is too white and she instantly feels sick.

She hasn't been here before; except she has. She absolutely has. Too many times.

"Carla." He is whispering and she hates him and she hates herself and she hates the way he is looking at her and she hates the fact that he is not Nick.

He is not Nick.

 _Fuck_.

She sits up quickly and that rock her boyfriend, her _fiancé_ , placed upon her finger only weeks ago when they were happy, so happy, too happy, stares up at her accusingly. It mocks her. She doesn't think she could feel any worse.

"Here. This should help with the head." Robert approaches the bed and thrusts a cup of weak tea under her nose and she rejects it like she should've rejected him, instead opting to throw her clothes back on, her fingers shaking as she attempts to do so.

"Can you...?"

He turns around as she asks him to. She dresses quickly, mechanically, musing over the fact that he didn't feel like listening to the things she said the night before in the same way he is doing now.

 _You shouldn't be here._

 _But—_

 _Please go._

 _No, I'm staying._

 _I want to be alone. I don't want you to see me like this._

 _Carla._

 _Don't tell Nick. Please._

 _It's okay. You're okay._

 _I can't..._

"Where are we?" She is surprised her voice sounds so strong when she feels so weak inside. In fact, she aches. She shoves her shoes on and looks around the floor for her bag. He passes it to her silently from where it was lay by the door on the other side of the room, attempting to make eye contact with her, but she cannot look at him with his mused hair and his complimentary dressing gown.

The world spins as she stands and goes to retrieve her phone.

"The hotel across the road from the casino," he explains. "We wouldn't have made it home last night."

7 missed calls. All from Nick.

She doesn't look up.

"Did I lose much?" Cold. Detached. Like money is nothing. Pointless, senseless.

She presses her phone firmly to her head just to feel something other than pain. The screen is cold against her skin. Her lips are pulled into a straight, thin line.

"You won, actually." He gives a bemused laugh she does not return. Carla swallows thickly.

"Funny. It doesn't feel like it."

She has to take a deep breath to steady her breathing, which has gotten slightly more erratic after having read the last text message she received on her phone.

 _Where are you? I'm getting really worried now. Please come home. x_

Oh, Nick.

2:32am. She wonders what she was doing at that time and has to resist the urge to retch.

"Two grand," says Robert. "You won two grand."

Her loud laugh surprises him.

"Great," she replies. Her voice drips with sarcasm. "Did you win much?"

He is taken aback.

"I'm sorry?"

"Why else were you at a casino if not to win money?" She zips up her bag and is able to ignore the first time her phone vibrates in her hand. "I'd just love to know how you knew I was gonna be there when no one else did. I didn't want anyone to know."

But not the second.

Nick's caller ID flashes up on the screen and she takes that as her queue to leave.

"I'm going."

Robert looks panicked all of a sudden and he follows her to the door, daring to touch her. She almost flinches and he instantly backs away. She stares at her arm where their skin touched before her eyes squeeze shut, if only to keep in her tears.

"Last night..." he begins, tentatively.

 _Was great. It was more than great._

Her stomach drops. She feels suddenly rather hot and trapped in her own skin and in desperate need of a shower and a cuddle from the one man she doesn't deserve; she never deserved; _I don't deserve you._

"You tell no one," she says and she means it.

"Carla _—_ " She interrupts him, hating how dirty her name now sounds from his lips, how dirty all of it makes her feel.

"I'm gonna be honest with you, Robert. I don't remember any of it. But I'm telling you now, it wasn't worth it." She sighs deeply, continues slowly. "You're not worth it."

He shakes his head. Arrogance seeps from his very being.

"I wouldn't sound so sure about that if I were you."


End file.
